thoughts

I've been meaning (quite sincerely!) to post more often, but am usually deterred by two things: either my fingers and wrists hurt too severely and are too stiff to type much, or else I'm feeling self conscious over repeatedly posting about how bad I feel.

Today I am hindered by both of the above. But alas, I really should try to at least post something a bit more often...

I am still struggling with pain and fatigue. A great deal.

It's incredibly discouraging to see so little improvement or relief. Especially after spending a large amount of hard earned dollars to see several physicians, have extensive testing done, and buy vitamins, medications, and supplements. All the while sticking with an incredibly restrictive diet for months and months. I am continuing to diligently stick with the diet, supplements, medications, and other instructions from my doctors. We are trying to remain hopeful and patient and keep pressing on as best we can, but it is disheartening to see such little change or improvement.

In all honesty, we are both very discouraged. Just when I experience a glimmer of improvement and we begin to get excited about it, I am knocked back down by something else. The past few days have been immensely painful for me, reducing me to a state of writhing around, crying out like a wounded animal. I am desperate, wishing there was a way to escape my body to get away from the relentless pain.

I hate to complain or sound like a downer, but I am TIRED of trying to tough it out and put on a "I'm okay, I'm hanging in there" face. I am not okay. 
 
Despite this rather depressing description of what things are like for us, Spencer and I are learning and growing during this painful time, being refined by our loving and merciful Maker. We are repeatedly humbled and amazed at how God gives us the strength and grace to get through each day - this has been such a painful time for us, but He has proven Himself faithful, trustworthy, and kind, blessing us with exactly what we need to endure the trial. That's not to say that there aren't days that we grumble and cry, shaking our fists and wondering "why us?" We struggle a lot with discouragement and frustration, so please do pray for us.

Our Lord is sovereign, and we trust that He is doing this for our good, and better yet, for His glory. We take comfort in realizing that He is using this suffering to draw us near to one another and ultimately, nearer to Him. Our marriage has been a storm-tossed one thus far, but we continue to fall further in love with one another as we weather these trials together. We are far from what we ought to be, and I am ashamed to say I have not endured this trial with the grace, trust, or patience that God so desires. Despite our hopeless number of flaws and failings, He has never forsaken us and is with us through it all, guiding, protecting, sustaining, and refining. To Him be the glory.

The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail. - Isaiah 58:11

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. - Isaiah 40:28-31


a beautiful day from back in November