plans

Many plans are in a man's heart, but the counsel of the LORD will stand.
~Proverbs 19:21

I'm a planner. I love making lists. I'm really good at managing my time and setting realistic goals to accomplish in a set amount of time. I made some really good plans for this week. I laid out a few basic tasks I wanted to accomplish, and divided them up into small, manageable chunks. I took into account how poorly I've been feeling and planned accordingly, making sure I'd have adequate rest and not be overdoing it. On Sunday evening as I lay in bed, I committed this week and my plans to God and asked Him to give me the strength to do the things I needed to do. I felt optimistic and ambitious as I drifted off to sleep.

Monday morning. I overslept! I woke up feeling quite yucky and not at all rested. Got up, made something to eat, and already was exhausted, so I flopped onto the couch and lay there for a few hours. The rest of the day continued to be incredibly tiring and I only accomplished one thing on my list. I felt frustrated and had a rather bad attitude about it.

Tuesday. I woke up at a better time (hooray!). "Today." I think, "Today I'll be able to get things done..." Ate some breakfast, tidied up a bit, and ugh, that overwhelming fatigue started to set in. "Okay, push through this." I took rest breaks, drank plenty of water, and paced myself. But to no avail, by early afternoon I was done for. My body simply wasn't cooperating, no matter how badly I wanted it to. As the day progressed, I felt worse and worse. Those few things I had planned to do that day seemed to be slipping through my fingers and I felt incredibly desperate. In tears, I wondered what I had done wrong...I had asked God for help and committed my plans to Him...why couldn't I do simple things like laundry and dishes and studying? Why was it so difficult to get such basic tasks accomplished? Feelings of being a failure engulfed me.

Today has been quiet and simple. Been feeling yucky and have had very little energy or ability to do much at all. I haven't even looked at my list of plans for today. But it's okay somehow. At first it was okay because I felt resigned to it, but now I feel at peace about it. Yes, I made wise and beneficial plans for this week, but that doesn't mean they were what God intended for me...

I may be a super good planner, but I am a lousy truster. I committed my plans to God, but I now realize that my heart was pretty much saying "I will do these things I want to do...for You, God" rather than "may Your good and perfect will be done in these plans of mine. I will accept whatever you do with them." Sure, I wanted to accomplish my tasks out of a desire to please God, but I got so caught up in doing them that I failed to recognize that my feeble plans just might not be what He had in store for this week. So, when my plans were not working out, I felt incredibly disappointed and frustrated, wondering what went wrong. What I ought to have been doing in the first place was trust that His plans are far better than mine, thus gladly accepting a change in plans... I have much to learn :) Thanks be to God, for His mercy and patience in teaching slow learners like me!

Tomorrow's plans: I've got my list of things to do and the determination to do what I can, but am also seeking to trust that God knows best and rest in that. If my plans don't go the way I think they should, that's okay. He has something better in mind.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,
plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11